day 273

dancing with...the not-so-rich rich and shameless?

the new cast of abc's dancing with the stars was released today (and announced on good morning america, above) and, well, it kind of blows. though rumors were circulating that "names" like paula abdul, lou ferrigno, and dean mcdermott-spelling would be hoofing it this season, that wasn't the case. instead, the following people were chosen by abc.

1. aaron carter - what!? i guess every season needs the "recovering addict" to pull at the viewers' heartstrings, but i'm not sure i can look at that acne scarred face for an entire season. aaron is one the youngest contestant this season, but i don't see young "fans" keeping him in. the only time he was famous or popular was when he was locked in a disney love triangle with hilary duff and lindsay lohan. his official bio on abc.com claims he is a talented "singer-songwriter, producer, and actor." um, since when?

2. ashley hamilton - yeah, i didn't really know who he is either. the only time i've ever heard his name is when people are talking about shannon doherty's ex's. apparently, ashley is george hamilton's (that orange man in the ritz crackers commercials who competed on season 2 of the show) son. apparently, ashley has written songs for the likes of hilary duff and sugar ray (what accomplishments) along with acting bit parts on canceled shows like oz. the reason ash can compete this season is because, like all the other competitors, he doesn't really have a job right now...other than being a "comedian." how can you be a singer-songwriter-actor-comedian? unless you're jamie foxx.

3. chuck liddell - you won't recognize this name unless you're a fan of ultimate fighting and i'm going to go out on a limb and say that none of my readers are. obviously, finding "famous" men willing to dance in tight costumes and we have to settle for the likes of chuck "iceman" liddell (because he's obviously used to wearing next-to-nothing so a shirt/pant combo is probably a refreshing change for him). like everyone this season apparently, chuck has dabbled in film with such masterpieces as 300, cradle 2 the grave, and drillbit taylor. he's also the author of the book iceman: my fighting life. obviously, that's on my reading list now.

4. debi mazar - the only reason i know who this is is because i loved the movie beethoven 2 when i was little and she played the bitchy villain. most recently, debi's been playing opposite "movie star" (i use that term loosely because his new movie, the goods, pretty much tanked this weekend at the box office) jeremy piven on entourage.

5. donny osmond - following in his sister's cooky footsteps, donny is taking the stage this season. hopefully he won't pull a "i fainted but not really because it was just a ploy to get votes and stay on the show" like his doll-designer sister. currently, donny shares the stage with his sister in an inexplicably successful revue in las vegas, the perfect place for mormons.

6. joanna krupa - allegedly a "supermodel," i only know her name from watching this summer's defunct show the superstars. if she brings with same bitchy attitude to dwts as she did to superstars, she'll be fun to watch - though she doesn't have t.o. to direct her anger at. other than her reality show career, i can't tell where her experience in modeling - let alone the entertainment industry - comes from.

7. kathy ireland - an actual model (!) though her career ended over 10 years ago. kathy is one of two stars this season who recently graced the cover of people as poster children for weight loss (more on the other star later). she also "designs" a line of home goods and furniture as well as a clothing line for kmart. with that in mind, feel free to make assumptions.

8. kelly osbourne - a "singer, actress, and media personality," according to abc.com, kelly is best known as the daughter of ozzy and sharon osbourne. she's no stranger to reality tv (she was on the first one that followed "media personalities" - the osbournes) and had some success as a musical artist. if she's the dwts audience's cup of tea remains to be seen.

9. louie vito - if your mind functions like mine, the first thing that graced your mind when you saw this name was "who?" apparently, louie is a professional snowboarder. again, it's hard to find men willing to dance and who have time to commit to the show. louie is this season's resident midget at just 5 foot 5 inches.

10. macy gray - remember that song "i try?" the one that sounded like some sort of transvestite was singing it? yeah, macy sang that. that's about all her career has amounted to, but, hey, i'm sure she made a ton of money off of it. i would be shocked if "i try" wasn't used as one of the songs macy dances to. and the only reason she's doing this has to be that she's recording an album that is soon-to-be released. she knows how to self promote - remember that dress she wore to an mtv awards show that proclaimed "my album drops [insert random date here]?"

11. mark decascos - the only way you'll recognize this face (or name if you're good with those) is if you watch iron chef america. yes, the host of that show - the one who screams out the secret ingredient and then lets alton brown do everything else - is competing on dancing with the stars this year.

12. melissa joan hart - sabrina! yay! i've been a longtime fan of clarissa and the way she explained it all, so having mjh on this season is a big draw for me. mj is the other celeb to recently grace the cover of people mag proclaiming that her body was "hot" once again and has mentioned in the past that she's always wanted to be on the show and that the producers routinely turned her down. sounds a little desp to me. i was surprised to see hart's name on the list this morning because she and her family recently relocated to the east coast to be closer to her sick mother. oh well. getting sabrina back on tv means no explanation needed to me.

13. michael irvin - the always present sports star this season. a former member of the dallas cowboys football league, irvin is supposed to be the draw for the uber male this season (ie the men who are forced to watch the show because of their wives). he'll probably do rather well on the show because football players, in the past, have all been pretty light on their feet - surprisingly.

14. mya - her singing career has been over since "lady marmalade" so dwts was probably her publicists solution for reminding people that she's not the r&b who died in a plane crash (that was aaliyah, fyi).

15. natalie coughlin - this season's answer to last year's champ shawn johnson (i'm still bitter she beat out both melissa and gilles), natalie is a gold-winning olympic swimmer. there's really no other facts to talk about, but almost all gold medal winning olympians have taken home the mirrored ball trophy on the show.

16. tom delay - yes, that tom delay. the former majority leader of the republican party was apparently the "surprise" contestant this season. i'm not really surprised at his willingness to participate in the show, just more surprised that the casting department thought he was a "get." he'll probably be the first to go.

and that's that. the show's 9th season (yes, it's already been that many) of dwts premieres september 21st and lasts 3 nights, ending on wednesday the 23rd. the show has more contestants than usual this time around, so special "double eliminations" will be held during the middle of the season and will knock out about half of the contestants. so, basically, there's no point in having all these randos. oh well. i'm just pissed samantha harris is returning as host. her robot voice and michelle obama arms are disconcerting.